Day 3 - Unselfishness

Yesterday was a good day. Came home to the smell of brownies baking. What could be better than that?! Sas went out of her way on the way home to pick up a chicken and brownie mix. We had BBQ chicken sandwiches for dinner and brownies later on after our daughter's softball game. They were great. I think she knows every now and then I just crave brownies. It was a nice treat.

I did something yesterday I didn't expect that I would. I didn't necessarily do it because the Love Dare said to do an act of kindness, I did it because it felt right. I told Sas about this blog. Only 2 days into it, and I outed myself as a blogger! What makes this method easy is that it's anonymous. So, that was a big leap for me in opening up and letting her into my mind, so to speak. I don't communicate well verbally sometimes - it's difficult for me to say things that I'm thinking about or feel about. I guess I just don't think that what I think and feel is important enough to talk about. So the blog makes things easier to get out. So, welcome Sas to my head. Beware, sometimes it gets a little crazy in there.

Sas checked it out this morning and thanked me. I felt pretty awkward. (It wasn't just because I was in the shower at the time.) I'm not sure why, but a little embarassed, a little too out there in a place that I could get hurt maybe? I don't think she would make fun of me or anything like that, just knowing that she will probably read this makes me feel odd. It does make me feel good to share, that's true. It's just too new for me.

A similar feeling as this was when I told her I wanted to go back to school. I want to go back to be a teacher. This is huge for me and our family. I have felt for awhile that I may want to do something else, but continued to suppress it because financially would not work out. 1. There would be the cost of grad school. 2. There would be the drop off in wages once I switched. So, I could not even consider the thought. But, it came to the point that long term it would be really good for the family. I figured out we could do it financially. Sure it will be difficult at some points, but it's going to be worth it. The opening up part letting people know something like this gives me a lot of anxiety.

It brings us now to today's Love Dare. It's about putting your spouse first in front of your own wants and needs. I have been doing that for a long time, for once I needed to do something for myself as mentioned above.

Love Dare - Day 3
Buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking about you today."
Romans 12:10

Overall, I believe I am an unselfish person. But we all want to believe that. When it comes to Sas, I just want to see her happy. I truly mean that. I don't care at what cost it comes to me, I just want her happy. I do see myself as unselfish. Could I serve her more? Sure, I bet I could. Do I sometimes do something I want to do instead of what would help her? I suppose. Often those types of things are chores anyways. Would I rather mow the lawn or do laundry? Am I being selfish if I choose to mow the lawn?

Today we need to buy something for one another that shows we were thinking about the other. I have something in mind. I'll update tomorrow what it is. I do have to point out that both Sas and I are practical with our money. Sure, we got a pool last year, but we don't typically splurge on ourselves. We buy what we need and sometimes buy what we want. Some of those bigger wants will likely have to wait a little longer since I'm going back to school. (Can you tell I still feel guilty about that, because I want to give her ALL of her wants!)

A selfish thought that HAS come into my mind today and yesterday though is, "What will I get?" Since we are both doing this love dare, a part of me cannot help but think, "Hmm, what act of kindness will she do for me? I wonder how she'll react with whatever I do for her? What will she get me? Will she be happy with what I get her?" I see now that a lot of that is selfishness. It's supposed to be about serving and just doing or giving for the other and expecting nothing in return. I know that, but still have those feelings.