Today we were to think about rudeness. In what ways do we not treat our spouse like we did during courtship? In what ways do we act in an unpleasant mannor that we would not do in public, at work, or any other time.
He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. --Proverbs 27:14
Dare:
Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated simply to gain their perspective.
Share your Day 5 experience.
Day 5 was a tough one for us. It started out badly as you can see in the previous post. Once we have a fight, we never make up. We just end up stopping. Until the next one and then every fight we've ever had typically comes up. I was caught off guard this morning when I received a smackdown. Normally, I would have immediately defended myself and fought back with an arsenal of hurtful comments. I didn't. I left the room in bit in a state of shock not knowing what just happened.
A couple of hours later, Sas looked upset, so I asked what was wrong. She explained how I took over on the chores and didn't answer a question she had and she's still upset about it. I still didn't totally get it so tried explaining myself. It turned into an argument as I attempted to understand and give my side of the situation.
I just don't think we handle misunderstandings well. When she talks, I feel as if I'm being attacked. So I try to defend myself by explaining my side, but seemingly never to get a chance. Wait, I can't take what you just said and respond? I want to try to clear things up! That's not how it happened. See my side. I get further argument about interrupting and not letting her speak. I finally realize that I cannot WIN this argument and hear her out.
I do realize now that I make things worse by not totally letting her get things off of her chest prior to me commenting and defending. By going back and forth like that it only escalates. For some reason, I always seem to think my interrupting comment will elicit a "Oh, I didn't realize that. I overreacted. Sorry. Will you forgive me? I love you so much." We go back to the tone in which things are said. While defending myself, I probably had an issue with tone. And I also didn't let her say everything she wanted to say right away. So, though I was trying to make things better, I was making them worse.
It was a crazy day. I also ended up calling her crazy, which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. My original restraint I exercised at the very beginning only delayed the argument fo a little while. What should I have done? How could I have properly diffused the situation? How can I not cause it again? I wish I had these answers.
So, near the end of the day, we get to our love dare. Sas asks what three things upset me about her. I immediately respond (1) Her treating me like a kid (2) Her overreacting to situations (3) I can't think of a three, but I'm still a little PO'd about the whole day so make something up. So I have to ask for hers. I'm not in the best mood still and don't think we can even talk without things turning heated again, but she's trying, so I'll try.
She says that (1) I have a very bad tone sometimes that just makes her feel horrible (2) I exaggerate and (3) I am short sighted.
DEFEND DEFEND DEFEND. FIRE BACK FIRE BACK! Oh, wait this is not supposed to be a battle. This is supposed to be our love dare. All I can think to say is to try and listen better and really hear what she had to say. I had to ask her to repeat them about 600 times. (Ok, maybe I do exaggerate a bit).
Finally, my guard is coming down, so I try to lighten the situation. I'm not sure she even knew there was a situation. I made some silly comments - not rude or insensitive, just trying to be funny. I'm thinking that we'll smile and hug and it'll be over. But now she doesn't think I'm taking this seriously. Ugg! I cannot win.
Speaking of winning. I'm so competitive that I often have to win. Ok, my gut tells me I ALWAYS have to win. I don't care what at. I just need to win. Was I trying to win by doing more chores? I really don't think so. I honestly was just trying to help. I feel guilty about her having to clean that particular toilet because it's the one I most often use. Was I trying to WIN the argument? Well, yes, because I truly thought I could convince her that she was misunderstanding. I know it doesn't matter - no matter what her understanding - I needed to understand HER.
So, yes, I understand things I have to work on. It's not easy. But I am trying.
To go back to the things that bother me. I really do think that sometimes I am just the 3rd child in the house. The way I get asked to do things and disciplined often is in the same method as the kids. For godsake they're 4 and 8!. I'm 33! I know it is not a conscious thing she does, but it gets to me. I've talked enough about overreacting so I won't go there.
Now, if I were to truly pick a third, I'd say that I am most affected (effected?) by the degree of diminishment of physical love shown. I said once that I will be happy all day if it started out with a good kiss from her. I don't mean a platonic peck, but a good kiss. Before we were married, I felt so special. This woman was so into me. She showed it all of the time when we were together. That's one of the things that made me love her so much - her love that she showed to me.
I've learned that everyone feels love in different ways. Some people feel loves by getting gifts. Some people feel loves by openness and talking. I feel love most physically. Not just sex, but any kind of touch that shows me that she loves me. That kind of thing makes me feel good about myself and makes me love her even more. Without it, I don't feel as loved. I feel dejected. I feel not worthy. I feel insignificant. I feel insecure. I feel as though I am not good enough anymore. I feel alone.
We have talked about this at times in the past. Most often in an argument of course, so not really helpful. But whenever I mention it, any act afterwards I have difficulty feeling that it's real. My insecurity makes me think that now she's just doing it because she felt guilty - not because it's real. This issue os probably the biggest item of the three mentioned. The other two are more occasional things that may pop up from time to time. This is one that can affect daily.
This is not one of Sas's ways taht she feels loved. In my mind, I have to do more to try to show her my love and maybe she will show her love back to me. So I try to do more things for her, I try to open up (even though it's really difficult in person), I try to do whatever it is that she would like me to do. I'd surround her with gifts too if I thought it was one of her ways of feeling loved. But I know that it is not. I'm at a loss here and hope the Love Dares help.
I hope at least this blog helps her understand what I am feeling and thinking and cannot say well verbally.
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