Day 1 Start Over

I'm going to start over. We're fighting again. We don't seem to have patience for one another and we don't seem to be understanding one another.

I was trying so hard last night to talk reasonably, hear her side and explain my side. Why can I never have a side? Does what I think not matter? Is there only one point of view and it is hers?

She says that she cannot communicate with me because I only defend myself and tell her she's wrong. But it is typically telling me what I did, rather than explaining how she feels. So if I did something, it feels natural to me to try to explain why. I want her to understand me, why I do things, how I think. How do I do that if she thinks I'm not listening to what she's saying and thinks I'm just trying to be right?

We made rules at the end of the love dare which included not going to bed angry, not threatening divorce, and not fighting in front of the children. I was trying to talk to Sas last night. Am I just defending myself again if I say my point fo view here? I guess not since she probably won't be reading this. But I was trying to talk to get through the misunderstanding. She continued to yell and scream at me. She threatened to be done with me as well (inferring that she would leave me or kick me out or divorce me or something). Do I deserve this treatment, this punishment? I continued to try to resolve issues and get through it before we went to bed. I'm not great at this and probably made it worse. I got no where and felt I was the only one trying to make amends.

I love Sas unconditionally. I just hope that she remembers what we went through and try to love me unconditionally as well. I am extremely discouraged and disappointed. I feel that we went through this love dar last time to get me to change and treat her like a princess while not seeing any possible room for improvement within herself. Maybe I don't see it. But I'll be paying more attention and try to see and applaud her actions.

just sad today.

Day 1 again.

Do not do or say anything negative to your spouse.

Let's see how this goes this time. I'm doing it on my own. We'll see if she notices.

Recent Days

Things have been pretty good lately. I think we understand each other better by going through this love dare. We're trying not to get upset at each other and understand one another instead of making a judgement.

Day 23 - Hinderences

Love Dare - Day 23
Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.
I Corinthians 13:7

Are there things stealing affections or turning my heart from my spouse? I'm not perfect by any means, but I really don't think there is anything that is basically distracting me from her. There's no other women, addictions, or obsessions that make me less interested in her.

When we argue frequently, I build up walls of anger and stubborness. When these are present, I am very distant from Sas. This along with learning true patience are the biggest things coming between us on my side. I am trying.

Recent Days

Somedays I just feel like I'm a failure. Saturday was one of those days. Hopefully at some point I can figure out how to do things right.

Days 16-18

I've been slacking a little in updating this blog. I most often am able to update it when at work and have not had as much time lately. Hopefully I can take more time to keep it up so that it does not become forgotten.

Love Dare - Day 18
Prepare a special dinner at home and focus this time on getting to know your spouse better.
Proverbs 3:13

Tonight we plan to have a late dinner after the kids go so bed. It's a Friday night, no school tomorrow, so it might be late. I think it will be worth waiting because I'd like to go over some of the questions that are in the book's appendix. Maybe we can learn from each other. I think if we approach this in a good way with a positive attitude, it could be fun.

The chapter talks about how when we were dating we were trying to find out so much about each other, investing time and energy into learning everything we could about the other. I remember we used to talk on the phone for a long time when we didn't live together. Then when we started living together, we stopped talking to each other as in depth. I've said sometimes when we were having disagreements that it would be easier for me to talk to her on the phone than in person. I think I have some sort of issue there where it's more difficult talking to someone in person. I've tried to be better at talking to Sas lately and hopefully can continue.



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Love Dare - Day 17
Determine to guard your mate's secrets and pray for them.
Proverbs 17:9

There have been times when Sas has tried to tell me things about her day and I immediately try to solve the problem. That's what I'm here for, right? No, sometimes I just need to be there to let her vent on some things or share some things. I need to remember that. I also need to learn to not make fun or try to make jokes at innapropriate times. Hopefully with these two things, Sas will be more comfortable in sharing things with me. I hate to think that sometimes she feels she can't say anything to me because I'll either get angry, overexaggerate, or make fun. I feel so rude knowing that I have done that and hope to show her the respect, honor, and trust that she deserves.

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Love Dare - Day 16
Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

I'm not much of a prayer, but Sas is so I will pray for her and for us. I pray that Sas smiles more and gets more joy out of every day. I sometimes worry that she gets too caught up in all of the stuff that has to get done. I pray that Sas is able to give a little on her stubbornness and try to not hold grudges. Finally, I pray that she trusts me to talk to me and understand that I will always be there for her.

For our marriage, I pray that we practice patience and be slow to anger. I pray that we attempt to understand one another rather than be quick to jump to an assumption.

Day 15 - Honor

First, yesterday's day was to set aside some time for your spouse different from the norm what is done. Sas had made mention that she had something in mind. I thought I had her figured out, so as soon as the kids went to bed, I grabbed towels and our bathing suits for us to go into the hottub. It was nice sitting in the relaxing hottub talking. Very nice.

Then later we watched tv and had some very nice time together. It was a great evening together. I felt loved by the time we spent together.

Love Dare - Day 15
Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.
I Peter 3:7

Today's dare will be difficult to show honor and respect as we will not see each other. She has something after school. I have my class starting tonight and will get home around 11pm, so she'll be asleep. Maybe I will substitute an email or call to her later.

The chapter talks about honoring our spouse and treating them holy. I think I could use some development here to be sure to always put my best effort for her.

Days 12-14 Rules, Time, Stubbornness

Love Dare - Day 14
Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.
Ecclesiastes 9:9

I'm not sure what we'll do here today as most time when we are not working, we are together. It's just that we're always doing some sort of chore! I'll have to see what I can do.


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Love Dare - Day 13
Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement and resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.
Mark 3:25

Sas typed up the default rules from the book when I was at our daughter's softball game. I later realized that this was a moment I could have handled better and exercised some of the advise from this book. However, at the time, I accused her of taking over and doing it herself, complaining that we were supposed to do it together. This pretty much ruined the conversation for the rest of the day. When I thought about it afterwards, I knew taht I should have looked at it as a time when she thought of me when I wasn't there. She thought of me and did something for me without me asking and I should have appreciated it more.

I also shared with her some insecurity that I have. Before I thought it was that I felt unloved, but I do know that she loves me. So I think that for some reason, I just don't feel special. I don't know why, but I need to think differently I guess.


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Love Dare - Day 12
Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse.
Philippians 2:4

Our disagreement was the wording of what the dare was for the day! We actually didn't argue, I just thought it was to willingly agree with your spouse on something. I was wrong so I gave in to her. But it wasn't a normal disagreement.

The chapter discusses stubbornness. I think I always had quick temper where we'd fight because I would over-react, say stupid stuff, and/or exaggerate. I'd say something in a mean tone. But I always used to give in and beg forgiveness. Recently, or for the past couple years I have no idea - I've been much more stubborn. When we fight, I don't want to give in anymore. Ever. If none of our disagreements is her fault and they're all mine, that just can't be right. My thought was that I was going to increase my wall and be even more stubborn so that she would have to give in first sometimes. But this didn't make things better, it only made arguments worse. Hopefully I can not only reduce my quick words, quick anger, but also reduce my stubbornness.

Day 11 - Cherish

Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. --Ephesians 5:28

Dare:
Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

The chapter talks about treating your spouses body as if it were part of you. When you say or do hurtful things to that person, you're hurting a part of yourself. I hate hurting Sas. I've never hurt her physically, but have verbally. When we fight, we say plenty of hurtful things and have a difficult time forgiving.

Goes back to day 1 regarding patience. I think a big part of it is also understanding. We need to understand where the other is coming from to avoid unnecessary conflict. The better we understand the other's point of view, the less likely we'll be to fight about it.

Today's task is to do something for your spouse that shows that we cherish them. I do cherish Sas. I do things often for her and I think we do a lot for each other around the house so that the other doesn't have to. My biggest thing is that I don't get enough time with her. On a daily basis, we just get nighttime with each other and we're both usually pretty beat. So we'll veg in front of the TV for a little while. We used to have a lot more energy to do stuff together in this time. When our first born was a baby, can you believe we sometimes played badminton on the front lawn after she fell asleep for the night? We just loved playing games with one another. We still do, but the stresses of the day make us just not want to do anything.

It's hard too because I'm sure she wants time to herself as well. All day teaching, then a few hours dealing with the kids homework, dinner, chores, lesson plans for the following day, grading tests and homework... And then me wanting time too? It's tough not being first in line of attention sometimes. I don't know what the answer is, I just know that I always wish for more time with her.

We have tried to do a date night once per month. Lately we've been going that one time to friends of ours and playing games. That does help, though we can't do that every date night because it would be nice for just the two of us to be doing something.

Ah I digress. What was today's topic? Cherish. It's a lot like yesterday, difficult to think of something to do for the other. I'm not sure I know what I could do that would come unexpected to her that would show my appreciation for her. Yesterday to show unconditional love, I played our wedding song and we danced to it. It was nice.

NON-MARRIAGE THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
Please do not bash teachers and the dollar amount they make. Most teachers do so much for their classes and work during any free time in class. Thank your child's teacher today!

Day 10 - Unconditional Love

Love Dare - Day 10
Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse.
Romans 5:8


The chapter talked about unconditional love. The love for a spouse should be unconditional. It defitely is with us. There were several rocky parts of our marriage where we could have given up and walked away for good. But we have not because how deeply we truly care for one another. I am a little insecure however, so it has been difficult for me to believe that someone could love me unconditionally. A part of me thinks that at some point she will leave and not come back (or kick me out and not let me back). But I think I do recognize that she does love me unconditionally - I just have to realize it.

Our love is unconditional
We knew it from the start
I see it in your eyes
You can feel it from my heart
From here on after
Let's stay the way we are right now
And share all the love and laughter
That a lifetime will allow

Chorus:
I cross my heart
And promise too
Give all I've got to give
To make all your dreams come true
In all the world
You'll never find
A love as true as mine

You will always be the miracle
That makes my life complete
And as long as there's a breath in me
I'll make yours just as sweet
As we look into the future
It's as far as we can see
So let's make each tomorrow
Be the best that it can be

Chorus

And if along the way we find a day
It starts to storm
You've got the promise of my love
To keep you warm

In all the world
You'll never find
A love as true as mine
A love as true as mine


That was one of our wedding songs... I say we had two because this one was sung at our wedding by Sas's mom and her aunt. I really like this song and what it says.


You're my peace of mind
In this crazy world
You're everything I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
You're my Mona Lisa, you're my rainbow skies
And my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes

The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fill of tears, our share of sighs
My only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes

You will always be - beautiful in my eyes
And the passing years will show
That you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes.

There are lines upon my face
From a lifetime of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last while
We can laugh about, how time really flies
We won't say goodbye 'cause true love never dies
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes

You will always be - beautiful in my eyes
And the passing years will show
That you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes
The passing years will show
That you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes

This was our actual wedding song. It is similar in that we will always find beauty in each other, we mean so much to one another. When we hear the song come up on our ipod, we have this thing where we have to dance to it. I used to play it to try to say "I'm sorry, and please forgive me."

I'm not exactly sure what my act will be that shows my unconditional love for her. But I'm thinking about it.

Day 9 - Greetings

Greet one another with a kiss of love. --1 Peter 5:14

Dare:
Think of a specific way to greet your spouse that reflects your love for them.

When one of us leaves the other, we always give the other a peck and wish each other a good day. We usually do this at night as well. We used to have a thing that we'd never go to bed angry with each other.

I'd like to never leave each other angry. I used to be much less stubborn. But a hardness built up over the years and my stubborness has grown to the point where sometimes I just have to get away. I tell myself that it's because I just don't want to say anything hurtful (or anything MORE hurtful than I already have). But, am I just being stubborn? Am I just running away as another ploy to get her back? Am I saying, "I am hurt and I hope this hurts you more than I am hurting?" I don't know for sure. But when we have tough times, I need to remember exactly who this person is that I'm running away from. She is my heart, my soul, my existence. We are one and without her, I am not complete.

Sas kissed me on her way to out the door this morning. And it was a little more than a peck on the cheek. I did not expect it and probably didn't kiss very well back because of it! I think before I realized that's not just a peck it was over. But it made my day. A kiss from Sas is like a weight being taken off my shoulders. I feel like I am floating. It still makes my heart go pitter patter. Ah...

As we do these Love Dare steps, I feel it is in fact bringing us closer together.

Day 8 - Jealousy

Today's chapter is about jealousy. We should not be envious of others, especially our spouse. I do not think I'm jealous of her or much of a jealous person in general. Sure, I know I've been jealous of my boss because I have wanted his position. Overall, i don't think this one is much of an issue.

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. --Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

Dare:
Take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

The negatives are gone.

Sas, I hope you see me as very supportive for you. I think a big achievement you'll be getting to soon at work is not having to pay into retirement anymore. That is huge! I am so proud of you as a teacher. I look up to you. Being around you as a teacher makes me look forward to the day when I can be one. I hope I can be half as good a teacher as you are.

Day 7 - Positives and Negatives

This chapter was called "Love believes the best." It talks about how we have two main rooms for our thoughts and feelings for our spouse. One is all of the positives about them. All of the good things that they are, that they can be, that they do. The other is the frustrations, the irritations, the annoyances, all the comments that are thought of in a fight or for a fight. We find ourselves thinking about the things in this room rather than the positives room.

Dare:
Get two sheets of paper. On the first, write out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second. Place both sheets in a secret place. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

I once tried something that worked pretty well, but was difficult to maintain. Everytime I was with my wife, I thought to myself, "I love this woman. She's my wife. I am so in love with this woman." Doing this made me smile, made me think of all of positives about her. It made me patient and slow to anger. I wasn't able to turn it into a habit, so it only lasted a short time. But I remember how it felt and how it worked. My hope is that this 40 day challenge will get me to that place ao that I stay thinking about the room with the positive things about Sas.

My wife is an awesome person. She's an excellent mom, a great cook, and probably the most thoughtful person I have ever known. She's practical, organized, and determined. She is able to do numerous things at once and has a positive attitude that she can get anything done. She is also a forgiving, loving person.

I don't know what I would do without her.

My list of negatives is not listed here.

NON-MARRIAGE THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
Are the Mets for real? They won 7 straight and took over first place. Do I start caring again and watching only to be let down when they do poorly? I guess I've stuck with them this long, I'd stick with them through another let down if it happens. I guess I cheer for the Mets unconditionally. I love me wife unconditionally as well. No matter what struggles we go through, in good times and in bad, I will always love her unconditionally.

Day 6 - Irritations

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. --Proverbs 16:32

Dare:
Make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Share your Day 6 experience.

This dare day is difficult to write because I did not have strong feelings or thoughts about it. I just didn't have a whole lot to talk about or write about. The chapter talks about being irritable. Typically the irritability is caused by an underlying issue. Possibly lack of sleep, stress, lack of exercise, poor health, etc. Or, one becomes irritable because they are selfish, which we all are. We can be selfish by being bitter, lustful, being full of pride, or greedy.

So what is it for me? What causes me to be Grumpy? Sleep is definitely one. When I am tired, I become Oscar the Grouch.

Everything sets me off. I need to be more aware of this. Either be proactive and be sure I get enough sleep, or be wise enough to keep my mouth shut when I am tired. It's easier to write than to enact though. But I will try.

I also become stressed and quick to anger in situations that cause me anxiety. There are times in which I have a high degree of anxiety. When a lot is going on and more than one person is talking to me and I can't process it all is one instance. When there is just a lot of noise and I cannot concentrate, that is another. A third is chaotic amounts of people around me. Don't ask me to go near the Christmas Tree shop on a weekend near Christmas. I think I'd explode. Being aware of what causes me anxiety absolutely helps. I know to try to avoid those situations OR prepare myself for them. I aso need to be aware when they are happening and remove myself so that I can relax. If not, I may show that ugly attitude to those I love. I hate doing that, I really do.

Today was a pretty good day for us, I think. It's Mother's Day and on Mother's Day we have a tradition. Sas loves to spend Mother's Day planting flowers and vegetables in the garden. One child was very into it, wanting to be a part. The other would have rathered go her own way. We also worked on getting the pool ready to be opened. There was a lot to be done this weekend. Either we worked well as a team and got most of it done, or we'd fight and not much of it would get done at all. We came together as a team and accomplished a lot. The garden is planted, the flowers are planted. The pool is semi-ready. It's our first year with it, so we're kinda figuring it out as we go. I think we held our patience pretty well today and talked to one another well. Hopefully this can continue as it was a much better day than yesterday.

NON-MARRIAGE THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
Sunscreen. Don't forget the sunscreen! At our daughter's softball game on Saturday in which I coach, I didn't even think of sunscreen. I now have a non-pleasant red glow to my face, neck, and arms. My top of my head also hurts. My head feels hot all day long. Yeah - I forgot the softball hat too. Luckily the kids didn't get burned - or if they did, not very badly. I did remember my sunglasses, so I have a nice raccoon action with no sunburn around my eyes, but red everywhere else. So remember your sunscreen everyone!

Day 5 - Rudeness

Today we were to think about rudeness. In what ways do we not treat our spouse like we did during courtship? In what ways do we act in an unpleasant mannor that we would not do in public, at work, or any other time.

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. --Proverbs 27:14

Dare:
Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated simply to gain their perspective.

Share your Day 5 experience.

Day 5 was a tough one for us. It started out badly as you can see in the previous post. Once we have a fight, we never make up. We just end up stopping. Until the next one and then every fight we've ever had typically comes up. I was caught off guard this morning when I received a smackdown. Normally, I would have immediately defended myself and fought back with an arsenal of hurtful comments. I didn't. I left the room in bit in a state of shock not knowing what just happened.

A couple of hours later, Sas looked upset, so I asked what was wrong. She explained how I took over on the chores and didn't answer a question she had and she's still upset about it. I still didn't totally get it so tried explaining myself. It turned into an argument as I attempted to understand and give my side of the situation.

I just don't think we handle misunderstandings well. When she talks, I feel as if I'm being attacked. So I try to defend myself by explaining my side, but seemingly never to get a chance. Wait, I can't take what you just said and respond? I want to try to clear things up! That's not how it happened. See my side. I get further argument about interrupting and not letting her speak. I finally realize that I cannot WIN this argument and hear her out.

I do realize now that I make things worse by not totally letting her get things off of her chest prior to me commenting and defending. By going back and forth like that it only escalates. For some reason, I always seem to think my interrupting comment will elicit a "Oh, I didn't realize that. I overreacted. Sorry. Will you forgive me? I love you so much." We go back to the tone in which things are said. While defending myself, I probably had an issue with tone. And I also didn't let her say everything she wanted to say right away. So, though I was trying to make things better, I was making them worse.

It was a crazy day. I also ended up calling her crazy, which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. My original restraint I exercised at the very beginning only delayed the argument fo a little while. What should I have done? How could I have properly diffused the situation? How can I not cause it again? I wish I had these answers.

So, near the end of the day, we get to our love dare. Sas asks what three things upset me about her. I immediately respond (1) Her treating me like a kid (2) Her overreacting to situations (3) I can't think of a three, but I'm still a little PO'd about the whole day so make something up. So I have to ask for hers. I'm not in the best mood still and don't think we can even talk without things turning heated again, but she's trying, so I'll try.

She says that (1) I have a very bad tone sometimes that just makes her feel horrible (2) I exaggerate and (3) I am short sighted.

DEFEND DEFEND DEFEND. FIRE BACK FIRE BACK! Oh, wait this is not supposed to be a battle. This is supposed to be our love dare. All I can think to say is to try and listen better and really hear what she had to say. I had to ask her to repeat them about 600 times. (Ok, maybe I do exaggerate a bit).

Finally, my guard is coming down, so I try to lighten the situation. I'm not sure she even knew there was a situation. I made some silly comments - not rude or insensitive, just trying to be funny. I'm thinking that we'll smile and hug and it'll be over. But now she doesn't think I'm taking this seriously. Ugg! I cannot win.

Speaking of winning. I'm so competitive that I often have to win. Ok, my gut tells me I ALWAYS have to win. I don't care what at. I just need to win. Was I trying to win by doing more chores? I really don't think so. I honestly was just trying to help. I feel guilty about her having to clean that particular toilet because it's the one I most often use. Was I trying to WIN the argument? Well, yes, because I truly thought I could convince her that she was misunderstanding. I know it doesn't matter - no matter what her understanding - I needed to understand HER.

So, yes, I understand things I have to work on. It's not easy. But I am trying.

To go back to the things that bother me. I really do think that sometimes I am just the 3rd child in the house. The way I get asked to do things and disciplined often is in the same method as the kids. For godsake they're 4 and 8!. I'm 33! I know it is not a conscious thing she does, but it gets to me. I've talked enough about overreacting so I won't go there.

Now, if I were to truly pick a third, I'd say that I am most affected (effected?) by the degree of diminishment of physical love shown. I said once that I will be happy all day if it started out with a good kiss from her. I don't mean a platonic peck, but a good kiss. Before we were married, I felt so special. This woman was so into me. She showed it all of the time when we were together. That's one of the things that made me love her so much - her love that she showed to me.

I've learned that everyone feels love in different ways. Some people feel loves by getting gifts. Some people feel loves by openness and talking. I feel love most physically. Not just sex, but any kind of touch that shows me that she loves me. That kind of thing makes me feel good about myself and makes me love her even more. Without it, I don't feel as loved. I feel dejected. I feel not worthy. I feel insignificant. I feel insecure. I feel as though I am not good enough anymore. I feel alone.

We have talked about this at times in the past. Most often in an argument of course, so not really helpful. But whenever I mention it, any act afterwards I have difficulty feeling that it's real. My insecurity makes me think that now she's just doing it because she felt guilty - not because it's real. This issue os probably the biggest item of the three mentioned. The other two are more occasional things that may pop up from time to time. This is one that can affect daily.

This is not one of Sas's ways taht she feels loved. In my mind, I have to do more to try to show her my love and maybe she will show her love back to me. So I try to do more things for her, I try to open up (even though it's really difficult in person), I try to do whatever it is that she would like me to do. I'd surround her with gifts too if I thought it was one of her ways of feeling loved. But I know that it is not. I'm at a loss here and hope the Love Dares help.

I hope at least this blog helps her understand what I am feeling and thinking and cannot say well verbally.

Group Therapy

We replace this section normally reserved for today's Love Dare with a trip to women's group therapy...

A woman walks into the group therap session already in progress. "Hello, I was wondering if I should be in here?"

There are 6 people sitting in a circle, all women except for one man in a tie with a clipboard. He says, "I am Dr. Doctor. This therapy session is for women who are having trouble with their husbands. We allow each other to talk about the issues each woman has with their husband and lend support to one another. I'll let each woman here introduce themself."

The woman to the doctor's left is the first to speak. "I'm Lady A. My prick husband cheated on me. I'm going to tear off his balls and feed them to my rottweiler. Did your guy cheat on you too? I can add his junk for Sparky's dessert."

"Um, no," says the woman. "My husband did not cheat on me."

The next woman then speaks up. "I'm Lady B. My my my husband hurts me. He beats me. I have to wear these dark glasses to cover my eyes. Does your husband hit you too? It's ok, you can tell this group. We're here for each other. Lady A is here for me. She's going to let me borrow her rottweiler."

"Um, no," says the woman. "My husband does not beat me."

Lady C then stands up and says, "I bet he's like my S.O.B. He thinks that women belong in the kitchen cooking, or cleaning the house, or lying on the bed with their feet in the air at all times. He won't let me work and expects me to wait on him hand and foot at all times. He's such a chauvinistic bastard! I'm thinking of getting my OWN rottweiler."

"Wow, you all are pretty open with how you feel. But, no, my husband treats me and other women with respect."

Lady D takes her turn introducing herself. "Honey, I can see from the expression on your face that man's just not satisfying you. That's why I'm here. I'm thinking maybe I'll see if the good doctor here will "cure" me after the meeting. Is that your problem, sweetie?"

"Well, um, wow, that's really personal. But, no I'd say he satisfies me when I let him. He'd satisfy me all of the time if it were up to him. I don't have that much interest in that stuff. No, that's not it."

Lady E is the last woman yet to speak. "My husband is a good man, but he just never lifts a finger around the house. All he does is watch sports and drink beer. I'm exhausted! I have to change all the diapers, make all the meals, do all the laundry, clean the toilets. I just wish he would help sometimes." The woman sits back down, a little teary eyed and apparently ready to fall asleep.

The doctor looks at the new woman and says, "Is it anything like that with your husband, Ma'am?"

"No. My husband dusts, cleans, does dishes, helps with laundry, is a great father, and a lot of other things. It's just -"

"Wait a darn minute, honey," says Lady D. "This man doesn't cheat, doesn't abuse, isn't a pig, apparently pretty satisfying, is a good father, and does a lot of chores around the house? What's his phone number again?"

"Now, Lady, D, please. Let's hear what the young lady has to say. We're not here to criticize one another, were here to support," says the doctor. "Go on, ma'am."

"Well, this morning he really upset me."

"Go on, go on. What did he do?"

"We were doing our Saturday morning chores, as we always do. He had just finished brushing the cat and the dog and vacuuming the downstairs. His parents were coming over in a couple of hours so we had to work fast. I was cleaning the bathroom downstairs and had finished with the toilet. So I put the toilet stuff in the hallway to bring upstairs and started to clean the mirror."

"Ok, I see. Did he interrupt you while you were cleaning? Did he try to get fresh? Did he stop helping and start watching TV?"

"No, I wasn't paying attention, but when I came out of the bathroom, the toilet stuff was gone. I went upstairs to find him -"

"OH, I know," said Lady E. "Did he have his hands full?"

"Ew, no," says the woman. "He was clenaing the upstairs toilet!! Can you believe the nerve!!!"

All five ladies and the doctor just stared at the woman in disbelief. The doctor is the first to speak. "Excuse me ma'am, this is a serious group. Please do not make jokes like that. Is there something more?"

"Well, I was going to do it! I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I'm sure you don't enjoy cleaning toilets so I thought I'd help. He just took over cleaning the bathroom on me. I was so upset. Then my daughter asked me for something for the second time so I yelled at her and told her to go away. Next thing I know my husband is telling me to lighten up! Well, my head was in the dryer because I was doing some laundry so I asked him what he did in the bathroom. He just ignored me. And you know what he did next! I'll tell you. He took a pair of his pants, THAT I JUST FOLDED AND PUT THEM AWAY!! After then he grabbed a couple of his undershirts and DID THE SAME THING!!!! I was in the middle of laundry and he comes in and takes OVER just like he did with the bathroom! Oh, Lady A, if I only had your rottweiler at that exact moment."

"I think we must be missing something," says the doctor.

Lady B then says, "Was he using the cat to clean the toilet? Mr. B did that at our house. I tried to stop him, but he threatened to use the dog next. I don't have a rottweiler like Lady A, I have a cute little poodle. I just couldn't let him do that to Fluffles!"

"No, he didn't use the cat to clean the toilet. Maybe I should leave."

"No, no," says the doctor. "Tell us more. Surely there is something else."

"Well, he also wrote all about this in a blog on the internet."

"There we go, have a seat. Please, tell us your name."

"My name is Sas."

Day 4 - Thoughtfulness

Yesterday's dare was to buy something for your spouse. I bought mine a cleaning brush for the grill! Now, you might immediately think that I am a stupid Neanderthal, but really there was a reason. Sas is the cook in our house and she likes to grill. In a prior post I mentioned how I recently got her a new grill for her birthday. It was something she really wanted. But, she didn't want to use it yet because we needed a new cleaning brush. So, I listened and picked one up yesterday for her. Definitely not a romantic gift by any means, I know. But hopefully it is seen as a thoughtful gift.


Sas bought be a set of discs for disc golf. Last year we went with friends to a disc golf place not too far from our house and had a ton of fun. I especially enjoyed it. We looked at buying our own discs since we had borrowed our friends, but it never happened. So, now we will have our own set and the family can go and have something different to do on a nice day. On top of that, disc golf is free! I didn't expect this gift and think it was a great idea.


Today's message from the Love Dare book is on thoughtfulness. Remember how you used to think about your spouse before she was your spouse? Thought about her all day long. Couldn't wait to see her again. Bought her stuff just because you were thinking of her. Wrote her notes because you were thinking of her? Somewhere along the way that lessens as you are with this person every day. So, I need to put Sas back on the forefront of my mind again. I can't say that I don't think about her a lot. I do. I made an effort last school year (she's a teacher) to email her at least once per day. I didn't always have much to say, but I tried to send something, just to let her know I was thinking of her. That habit died out at somepoint, but I think it was a good idea. Recently, I've been noticing on the clock whenever the time matches our anniversary month-day. Then I'll either say something to her or email it to her.

Love Dare - Day 4 Contact your spouse sometime during the day and ask how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. Psalm 139: 17-18

I think this is an easy dare and actually something we do often for each other.

On another note, I may have had a lapse in patience/negativity last night. Have you ever realized how sometimes HOW you say something can mean much more than WHAT you say? Sometimes I catch myself with a tone that sounds like I'm saying "You are totally wrong, I can't believe you think that could possibly be correct, I am so much better than you." I do not think or mean that, but the tone sometimes infers that. How can I watch my tone before I speak? I struggle with this and is often the main cause of arguments. I often am quick to jump on a tone or body language from Sas and get upset with her for it. Surely it is not always intentional and often is misunderstood. But I still do it and need to work on it. Maybe we should have a nonsensical codeword that means "Watch your tone" but won't start an argument as saying "Watch your tone!" would. How about "Dinglehopper" from the Little Mermaid or a real non sequitor "Dancing Baby". How can anyone keep an edge when they start thinking of the Little Mermaid combing her hair with a fork? Or how can you not smile or laugh when all of a sudden you're thinking of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal?


SIDE NOTE - if you've read this blog previously, you may have noticed I used different names. Just in case more people read it, I've changed my name in here to a nickname, Milo and my wife's to Sas.

NON-MARRIAGE RELATED ITEM OF THE DAY: If I got paid $20 million to play a kid's sport, I think I may make sure I knew every chemical going into my body. Don't you think professional atheletes would do that? So, I do not in the least believe that Manny Ramirez didn't know what he was taking was illegal. I'm sure not all the players use enhancers, but I think that most do or at least have in the past. It would be refreshing for one of these guys to man-up and say, "Yeah, I was caught. I thought I could get away with it. I will try not to do it again as it would now jeopardize my team's chances for winning without me there. I can't promise anything, as I may need it if my numbers start dropping or I need help coming back from an injury. This is how I make my money, so sometimes ya gotta do a little extra to get ahead. I apologize for getting caught, not necessarily for doing it. I got caught red-handed and will take my suspension without complaint. Again, I apologize to my teammates for getting caught."

Day 3 - Unselfishness

Yesterday was a good day. Came home to the smell of brownies baking. What could be better than that?! Sas went out of her way on the way home to pick up a chicken and brownie mix. We had BBQ chicken sandwiches for dinner and brownies later on after our daughter's softball game. They were great. I think she knows every now and then I just crave brownies. It was a nice treat.

I did something yesterday I didn't expect that I would. I didn't necessarily do it because the Love Dare said to do an act of kindness, I did it because it felt right. I told Sas about this blog. Only 2 days into it, and I outed myself as a blogger! What makes this method easy is that it's anonymous. So, that was a big leap for me in opening up and letting her into my mind, so to speak. I don't communicate well verbally sometimes - it's difficult for me to say things that I'm thinking about or feel about. I guess I just don't think that what I think and feel is important enough to talk about. So the blog makes things easier to get out. So, welcome Sas to my head. Beware, sometimes it gets a little crazy in there.

Sas checked it out this morning and thanked me. I felt pretty awkward. (It wasn't just because I was in the shower at the time.) I'm not sure why, but a little embarassed, a little too out there in a place that I could get hurt maybe? I don't think she would make fun of me or anything like that, just knowing that she will probably read this makes me feel odd. It does make me feel good to share, that's true. It's just too new for me.

A similar feeling as this was when I told her I wanted to go back to school. I want to go back to be a teacher. This is huge for me and our family. I have felt for awhile that I may want to do something else, but continued to suppress it because financially would not work out. 1. There would be the cost of grad school. 2. There would be the drop off in wages once I switched. So, I could not even consider the thought. But, it came to the point that long term it would be really good for the family. I figured out we could do it financially. Sure it will be difficult at some points, but it's going to be worth it. The opening up part letting people know something like this gives me a lot of anxiety.

It brings us now to today's Love Dare. It's about putting your spouse first in front of your own wants and needs. I have been doing that for a long time, for once I needed to do something for myself as mentioned above.

Love Dare - Day 3
Buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking about you today."
Romans 12:10

Overall, I believe I am an unselfish person. But we all want to believe that. When it comes to Sas, I just want to see her happy. I truly mean that. I don't care at what cost it comes to me, I just want her happy. I do see myself as unselfish. Could I serve her more? Sure, I bet I could. Do I sometimes do something I want to do instead of what would help her? I suppose. Often those types of things are chores anyways. Would I rather mow the lawn or do laundry? Am I being selfish if I choose to mow the lawn?

Today we need to buy something for one another that shows we were thinking about the other. I have something in mind. I'll update tomorrow what it is. I do have to point out that both Sas and I are practical with our money. Sure, we got a pool last year, but we don't typically splurge on ourselves. We buy what we need and sometimes buy what we want. Some of those bigger wants will likely have to wait a little longer since I'm going back to school. (Can you tell I still feel guilty about that, because I want to give her ALL of her wants!)

A selfish thought that HAS come into my mind today and yesterday though is, "What will I get?" Since we are both doing this love dare, a part of me cannot help but think, "Hmm, what act of kindness will she do for me? I wonder how she'll react with whatever I do for her? What will she get me? Will she be happy with what I get her?" I see now that a lot of that is selfishness. It's supposed to be about serving and just doing or giving for the other and expecting nothing in return. I know that, but still have those feelings.

Day 2 - Kindness

Day 1 finished ok. I did not get upset at Sas - I was able to show patience as was she. I'm not sure whether it was because I was trying or because there was nothing in particular to set me off. Sas did note that she had difficulty being patient with our children. That made me realize that I should try to exercise some patience with them as well. I was relatively quick to yell at them a couple of times when they were not listening. There's the thing, we do need to have discipline with them, but maybe there's a different way other than yelling. I hate yelling at the kids. I'm rambling, but I also need to make sure I don't treat Sas in the same manner as I would the children. Sas is my wife, my teammate in life (yeah corny I know) and I should treat her as such.

DAY 2's dare is to continue to be patient and calm, no feelings of negativity towards our spouse. In addition, we must show a form of kindness to the other. Kindness can be either gentleness, helpfulness, willingness, or initiative. Where patiences is a preventative measure, kindness is proactiveness.

I see myself as a kind person. Whenever someone comments about me it's always "He's so NICE!" However, I may at times lapse in kindness acts when it comes to my spouse, which doesn't necessarily make sense. She's the most important person in my life and should come first.

Since seeing the movie, I have proactively done some kind acts for her. Monday was her birthday, so on Saturday when she was gone all day, I took the kids out shopping for presents. I listened to what Sas really wanted and got it for her - a new grill. But then, instead of just giving to her it in a box, I spent 4 hours or so putting it together so that she could see it when she arrived home that evening. It made me feel good to do this for her and I think she appreciated it as well. i also listened to her and got her an ice cream cake. She had said either ice cream or cheesecake. I chose ice cream cake because the kids and I don't like cheesecake. So, maybe a little selfishness there, but it was still something that she enjoyed.

On Sunday at church, they have a little counter with donut holes and coffe/hot chocolate. Sas works the children's check in counter and every now and then will ask me to get her a hot chocolate when the kids get a donut. On Sunday, without asking I did this for her.

Tuesday night I went downstairs and got her a glass of water. She didn't ask, but she often likes to have water by her side when watching tv relaxing before bed.

This morning, while she was in the shower, I made the bed. Normally one of us do this in the morning, sometimes me, sometimes her. But typically I only make it afterwards. So hopefully me doing it first helps.

On the flip side, I probably take some of Sas's gifts for granted. I need to acknowledge and thank her for those she makes more than I currently do. Sas always makes dinner [sidebar: We used to alternate when we first moved in together. But I hardly know how to make anything, so it was taking up all of her time anyway showing me what to do! So now, she cooks and I clean up after dinner, doing the dishes and such.] I try to always thank her for making dinner and when it's something really good, I definitely tell her.

Other than that, I think I need to focus more on recognizing her acts of kindness towards me and make sure I don't take her for granted.

Day 1 - Love Dare

Over the weekend, Sas and I watched the movie Fireproof. It's a Kirk Cameron religious movie, but not over the top. It was basically about a couple whose marriage was going badly and the husband taking part in a "Love Dare" for 40 days to try to bring it back together. My wife and I were both crying a lot by the end of the movie. We could definitely relate. Things have not gotten as bad as in the movie, but you could draw some comparisons.

Sas bought the Love Dare book in which the movie was based. Today is day 1. Today, we need to be patient with each other. To not allow anger and judgment to affect us. To give time and patience to the other.

I have had days where the littlest thing is said or even just a look and I get all upset. I yell at her or the kids and totally overact. That needs to stop. I feel horrible about it afterwards each time. I don't know why I get set off or why I do it. It seems to just happen. I don't want to make excuses, it just needs to stop.

My wife is the most important thing to me in this world along with my children. I do anything to make her happy. I long to see her happy again. I hope this journey through the Love Dare steps will help.

http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/

So far today, no issues. We woke up at 5am for our morning exercise. We do the Exercise TV on Time Warner Cable. We each got ready for the day afterwards and she went to work. This morning I sent her an email just to say "Hope you are having a good day" and "Love You". We'll see how tonight goes - I will update later.

I've been trying to make it a point to more proactively communicate with Sas. I'm trying to be more open and share what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. It's not something I'm used to doing. But it is something that she's asked for more of in the past. Moreso, I need to listen to HER and let her speak, not necessarily try to solve all of her problems before she even gets done stating them.